i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
