a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
