yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
