I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
