Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
