Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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