I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
