I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
