So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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