This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
