hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
