My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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