Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
