Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
