I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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