Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize