so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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