A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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