i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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