we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
