Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
