she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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