im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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