please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
