I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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