not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize