Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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