giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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