If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
