apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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