I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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