So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
