I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
