Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
