fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
