stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
