I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
