You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
