There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
