Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
