If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
