and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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