Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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