I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
