I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
