I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
