you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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