sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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