Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
