Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
