I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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