I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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