One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize