i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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