I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
