So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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