My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
