In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
